I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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