Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
