if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
