you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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