shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Randomize
