It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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