i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
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