I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
