zippers are such a cool invention
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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