Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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