pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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