I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
We're hate flirting, damnit.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
