I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
