Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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