And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
