well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I think your dad took our porno
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
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