My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
