Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
