Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
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