If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
