it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
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