The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
