I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
