This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
