I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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