The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
