i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
so let's talk penis.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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