So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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