I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
She tied me up with her honor cords...
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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