I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
