I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
splinters make it hard to masturbate
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
