you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
