Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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