I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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