The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
