I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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