Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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