I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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