I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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