I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
