my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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