Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
