i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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