He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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