Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
