You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
