i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
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