I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
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What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In other news, I just burned my penis
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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