i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
