Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
