I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
pop tarts are not kleenex
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
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Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
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WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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