beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
being pregnant is like rehab
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Randomize
