I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
