I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
She needs sedatives and a leash
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
My vagina just clenched in fear
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