Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Randomize
