You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
