God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Randomize
