I think my fart just growled at me.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
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She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
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It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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