i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Randomize
